16. Styx Flow

The pious paralleled paraclete partners propelled purposely piercing themselves through the pines on the distant bank of the Charles gliding just a wing flap above the river’s slight downstream ripples. In perfect syncopation suddenly one, then, just as quickly, the second secured himself together with the first one on a branch to take a breath before jetting upward again towards the sky and some unspoken destination. Meanwhile a solo pilgrim Canadian goose floats carefree and effortlessly with the river’s current just as another splashes behind and then another. Suddenly the three are joined in collaborative coasting letting the river take them to wherever. They are unconcerned as scullers redirect their sleek vessels to avoid collisions with the feathered floaters. As if guided by some greater hand the geese glide to shallow eddies away from the waterway’s human traffic. They are safe and they just are.

 

Jake watches wondering how the two unworried birds had decided to fly in formation and became concerned about what interior spiritual force intuits the geese and the birds to be companions on their journeys.

 

“Were the journeys of these creatures always mutual?”

 

For a moment he is lost in the peace of the flow of everything.

The solace unintentionally dissipates with Sundance’s voice

 

“Well, since Isabella is off to study and we are left to our own devices, let’s find a famous Bean Town watering hole to quench our spirits before we secure a seat at the Feliciano concert.”

 

Startled but alert Jake chimes

 

“I’ll drink to that!”

 

Isabella carefully gathered her things

 

“Jake, you will drink to everything”

 

as she touches Sundance’s hand and pecking Jake’s cheek with her lips.

 

“and call me when you either get out of the concert or get settled at Diana’s place. There may be another demonstration at the commons today and I might not be in my dorm room.”

 

Concerned, Jake peered into Isabella’s eyes.

 

“ Oh don’t worry ya big silly. We have been having daily bomb scares in the building and some suggested it is just a hoax to get students out onto the streets and hopefully involved with the anti-war demonstrations. Everyday there seems to be a new group sponsoring a new demonstration against he war. I guess they figured that when students don’t have their dorms or classes to go to because of bomb threats in the school buildings the students will join the party”

 

Sundance asked

 

“The Communist Party?”

 

Frankly, Isabella was surprised by Sundance’s naïveté’ and she chided him

 

“No, the party in the streets. The demonstrations have become street festivals for most part. Of course you have the SDS’ers and the weathermen and Panthers and a few sympathizers but most folks I know go for the joints and beer. The radicals smoke dope and drink just as much as the tagalongs. Abbie and his yippies made this whole thing into some perverse circus. Before you know it you can have twenty to thirty thousand students in the streets chanting ‘Peace now.’ But the college administrators got wise and now if they get a bomb threat they don’t have mandatory evacuations and just let the students decide. When given a choice most of us usually decide to stick together. ”

 

Anxiously Jake glanced up and down at Isabella

 

“I know I am a loner of sorts but I’m no fool on a hill. It is great to get out of class. The professors usually leave too.  Howard Zinn is usually leading the parade. It is also a good way to get out from sleeping in those prison walled halls called a dormitory. So don’t be surprised if you see a large group marching down Mass Ave this afternoon or if you call me at the dorm I don’t answer.”

 

”So what’ll we do?”

 

“You worry too much. We will work it out. We always find a way.”

 

Jake tauntingly sang

 

“Well… just show me the way to the next whiskey bar….oh don’t ask why, oh don’t ask why!”

 

Sundance pulled on Jake’s arm.

 

“Now don’t sing that. Come on.”

 

The shadows of the two boys quickly disappeared over the knolls that bordered the Back Bay and the river.  Isabella quietly relocated herself almost unseen to a shady spot on the grassy banks with her blanket and books to keep her company.

 

Sundance turned to Jake as both were lighting another smoke.

 

“So, you know where we are going? We driving or walking or what?”

 

“Sure I do. Driving by the way.”

 

Sundance was concerned about the immediacy and truthfulness of the response. They jumped into Black Beauty headed somewhere closer to the concert hall. Like a bolt of lightening they had darted down the road for two blocks faster than the speed of light until the traffic in front of them forced them to a dead halt.

 

Sundance smiled that smile of relief…

 

“Bet you it’s a demonstration. We should go “

 

Sundance encouraged Jake further by pointing out a place to park.

 

“That spot has your name on it. Claim it now!”

 

Jake squeezed their over sized vessel into the vacant space and with no further words they laughed as they ran to see where the action was. Finally within a short run from where they stopped they saw a crowd gathered. Pushing and squirming their way to the front to see where the action was the bystanders stared at Jake as he yelled out

 

“Peace Now! Peace Now!”

 

As the two overexcited revolutionaries – in-training gradually worked their way further to the front of the crowd they heard the screeching blaring siren of some emergency vehicle weaving in an out of the jammed in traffic and congregating crowds.  Speechless and shocked they finally saw what everyone was looking at and stared at what looked like to be a body covered in a white sheet lying next to a smoking taxi cab that was sitting upside down with it’s roof half crushed in.

 

Sundance just pulled on the uncomfortable embarrassed Jake

“Come on let’s get outta here and find a bar quick and have a drink.”

 

Both boys were running on empty, emotionally and physically, and they needed refueling quickly if they were to make it through the night. Jake shifted to a thought about looking to find a bar he and Isabella liked somewhere near Fenway Park but he had no idea where he and Sundance were in relation to Fenway Park or to anywhere. They were officially lost. So to deflect from his own anxiety Jake asked

 

“ Hey did we ever get Kerouac’s or Salinger’s address?”

 

Sundance didn’t want to deal with any of that now. .

 

“Hey, there’s a pub or something over across the street. Maybe we can talk about that there”

 

“How do we know if it is any good?”

 

“Well, if it has beer it’s good and if it has burgers too it’s perfect.”

 

No more discussion needed as they entered the pub securing two seats side by side at the bar. Jake signaled the bartender for two beers and said

 

“Almost perfect and I am paying!”

 

“Hey!”

 

Sundance couldn’t complete his protestation. Jake forcefully held his companion’s hand as it reached for his own pocket. Sundance was always gracious and giving. He seemed to be an endless well of compassion and generosity. Sometimes that annoyed Jake but at the same time he was grateful to have a friend such as Sundance.

 

“Look, I am paying and that’s that. You always pay and you have done too much for me. So let me pay for tonight’s drinks. Just get a couple of beers and start a tab while I find the men’s room.”

 

Sundance was taken aback with Jake’s adamancy and comments and ordered two pints of Guinness just the same. He was confused as to why Jake thought he owed Sundance anything. On Jake’s faster than normal return from the men’s room Jake put his arm around Sundance leaning to whisper in his ear. Physical contact was not one of Sundance’s favorite ways of connecting with another human, especially a man. Jake knew that but did it anyway. Social scientists say we have 18 inches of personal space. Jake was good at intruding on that barrier as both Isabella and Sundance would often testify. Wriggling away from Jake, Sundance heard him say

 

“Listen, if anyone asks” Jake spoke almost inaudibly, “you are my date.”

 

Not being one who showed emotion easily Sundance changed all that as his eyes bulged out like some cartoon character completely befuddled by Jake’s comment as Jake continued

 

“Have you noticed anything unusual about this bar?”

 

Sundance ‘s first reaction was to look at the beer keg taps. Maybe they had an unusual selection of beers. No, that wasn’t it. He then scanned the prices, …standard. The menu….normal . He then looked carefully at the ambiance, typical dark dingy dive.

 

“It is a bar. It has a jukebox. The music is loud”

 

Sundance had difficulty speaking above the loud music.

 

(…“Me and you, you and me, no matter how they tossed the dice, it had to be…” blasted echoing bouncing throughout the poor acoustics of the half-lit beer odored room.)

 

“Now look at who is dancing to the music! But don’t stare, just casually look up.”

 

Sundance lifted his dark pint glass and moved his eyes to try to sneak a peek at what Jake was seemingly anxious about.

 

“Oh, they are men and a few boys dancing with each other!”

 

Jake, leaning in closer as if to snuggle to Sundance whispered

 “Yeh, this is a gay bar. If anyone asks me to dance I am going to tell them I am with you.”

 

“Well, what if they ask me to dance?”

 

“You can dance with them if you like then!”

 

Uncomfortable but thirsty and tired they agreed without speaking that they would sit and rest for a while and chug two pints before making their exit. Clinking glasses like two pilgrims on some half-baked crusade

 

Sundance elevating his drink

 

“Per ipsum et cum ipso et in ipso est tibi Deo Patri omnipotenti in unitate Spiritus Sancti omnis honor et gloria per omnia saecula saeculorum”

 

Jake’s response

 

“Amen, brother”

 

Jake cracked that crooked worrying smile as he couldn’t shake that uneasy feeling about what he would really say if anyone there would approach him to dance. He finally stopped his mental meandering and silently finished his drink.

 

Dipping their fore fingers into what stout remained in their glasses they both blessed themselves as they made their escape from the bar.

 

Jake laughed

 

“That was close”

 

Getting to be adept at stumbling they accidentally stumbled their way to the concert hall only to see a “Sold Out” sign plastered across the poster on the face of Jose Feliciano. Sundance pulled out his last two cigarettes in resignation, giving one to Jake and offered up a solution

 

“If we can find where you parked let’s just head out to Diana’s place.”

 

Sometimes it is good to go with the flow and sometimes it is good to stay put and sometimes it is good to retreat .The interventions of angels continued their surprises as the boys found the car with very little effort and the boys flew as fast as they could on the road that followed along the river back upstream.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7. Dionysian Dreams and The Holy Grail

Somewhere somehow someplace someone speculated sometime ago how the ascetic Desert Fathers are somewhat distant blood brothers to Buddhist monks. The someone who was suspected of speaking those  words was Sundance . He said that

 

“ detachment, solitude, meditation were common characteristics between the two groups. A living communion of earthly saints in training.  Rituals of chopping wood and carrying water filled the minutes and hours of each day. Being present to the now is everything that one needs. Mantras are prayers and prayers mantras. Blue skies or rain, it really didn’t matter.  Cries of the intermittent cicadas during the light of day and the chorus of crickets welcome the darkness sing  the same song differently. Change is the only constant. One energy is the thread that nourishes all things. Without the silence between tones called notes music doesn’t exist.”

 

All this intrigued Jake. He really didn’t think about such things on his own. However, Sundance would have to explain how he didn’t recall ever discussing this matter.

 

“You must have been dreaming.”

 

Billy Barrows, resident philosopher of Wanderers, they say he was the first to cross the line, signed Jake’s yearbook with a phrase Jake never forgot, “ Be who you are. And you will be who you are supposed to be.” He used to say that one couldn’t buy peace.  Al Hendle signed his picture in the yearbook by just writing “peace.” He found complete peace before Jake or any of the  “Wanderers.” Sundance scribbled  “. Go forth!” in Jake’s yearbook. Jake forgot what he wrote, if anything, in other yearbooks.

 

Jake had no idea where any of these words or concepts came from.

 

“What is the spark that fuels these words and these ideas to exist and be expressed and to shine anyway?”

 

Both Sundance’s and Billy’s ideas and words resonated when Jake plodded piously down placid paths of the pastoral grounds of the Jesuit Retreat House just outside of Morristown, New Jersey during their high school senior retreat. He discovered that the spartan living conditions at this home away from the world were uncharacteristically appealing. He admitted he didn’t know much about Jesuits or Ignatian spirituality.

 

Jake stopped in the middle of a path, sat and jotted

 

“The song of the wind-chimes of freedom sing responding to the breath of God and the occasional solo of the morning bird interrupts the silence but in doing so the solace and solitude are enhanced  . At the moment of  “just about dawn” the local union owl speaks out asking me the haunting query repeatedly until I gave in responding

 

‘Me!’”

 

Sacred polyphonic chants of gratitude graciously filled the air surrounding the wandering spirits welcoming the birth of that new day on those holy grounds of this Jesuit safe house. When the light of day eventually disappeared from sight the solemnity of the voices returned echoing in and out of halls and walls…  humbled and thankful for the river of constant consolation .“Angelus Domini nuntiavit Mariae; Et concepit de Spiritu Sancto.”

 

Memories filled and bounced around Jake’s head as he became distracted imagining that Sundance’s inner sanctum of scholarly and spiritual solitude at Fairfield University to be the mirror of the retreat house he visited years earlier.

 

“Those Jesuits and their influence seems to be the same no matter where they hang their black robes .”

 

His exposure to things of the Company of Jesus was a little limited and his imagination would run away on him . He imagined that Sundance’s dorm room would be a perfect monastic prayer closest where “no thing” would interfere with the consolation and transformation of one’s spirit and mind.

 

It was no surprise that the hallowed residence hall was part no-tell motel and part prison-block in appearance.

 

Sundance muttered

 

“Excuse the stench. It’s normal here.”

 

Suddenly half naked waste high toweled young men chased and screamed like pre teen girls running in Marx Brother precision in and out the doors along the hallway. Jake shook his head and Sundance’s smile was a blend of pride and embarrassment as he quickly unlocked the door to the solo sanctuary. On queue Sundance hummed to the melody to a Brian Wilson song in which Jake was all to familiar as he whispered the opening lyrics,

 

 “There’s a place where I can go and never be afraid…in my room.”

 

A red-yellowed Avedon Lennon portrait hung adjacent to a black and white of Groucho poster adorned Sundance’s self-proclaimed Sistine ceiling with all eyes watching every move of the pilgrims’ comings and goings.  A “Free Booby Seale” banner curtained the window. Novels, textbooks, and vinyl records thrown and stacked here and there. Cigarette butts and ashes poured over on the desk next to the key worn selectric typewriter. Unedited notes on a thesis on Joycian influences on Behan and Donleavy stacked proudly on a corner of the dresser almost hiding the annual Christmas holiday Cassady family photo. The requisite crucifix crookedly hanging above the doorway was both a persistent reminder and warning. This place was not at all what Jake expected. He smiled…

 

“Wow, this place is great!”

 

Sundance was so excited about Jake’s arrival that he forgot that the great traditional weekend bon fire planned by the members of “Lost Fraternity of Fairfield” was cancelled by the administration. Students used this ritual as the rite to celebrate spring by burning away the past and to drown old sins by drinking beer celebrating the forthcoming season.

 

Sundance explained

 

“You see this Anastheria Dionysian celebration was considered a little too hedonistic and counter-catholic by the many in Jesuit administration of the university. Bonfires were a little too reminiscent of witch burnings,  I guess and may have been reminders of the regularly scheduled celebrations in the past for the local puritanical Fairfield village. “

 

Sundance tried to rationalize further

 

“Well, you know the best laid men of mice and plans often go astray.”

 

Pre-occupied as usual Jake didn’t laugh and thought for a moment about asking for a grand tour of the university reserved for special guests. He didn’t get the tour. He didn’t know why but he maintained a curiosity about the Society of Jesus. Jake fantasized that just walking onto this perceived Holy Ground of Sundance’s university would somehow transform him. He continued his drifting in silence.

 

“Will I hear some profound message? Would there be a metanoia?  Would this just be another day in paradise? Something’s gotta to happen. It always does”

 

He always had trouble letting go. He didn’t see any priests that night and that was probably a good thing. There was only one solution for him…

 

“When in doubt drink and drink a lot…(of alcohol of course.)”

So where’s the local watering hole where we can get a burger and a beer?”

 

Sundance chimed

 

“Ah, burgers and beer, the communion meal of wayward acolytes.

I know just the place and maybe we’ll get lucky and get invited to a Yale party!”

 

Sundance continued

 

“Beer and parties are perfect bait, the words themselves are soulful sounds of the Sirens for posing as waitresses singing for wandering single sailors seeking safe passage. Lost souls consuming alcohol helps increase less concern about long our wayward sojourns. “

 

Jake drifted again, he did that a lot lately, and recalled for Sundance how something always seems to happen when he went to a bar. He reminded Sundance that it was in the same bar where Jake would eventually meet Isabella that he, Billy, Art and a couple of would get into their first bar brawl.

 

“We took Chase to some bar on Staten Island to celebrate with Chase the  birth of his son and God dammit wouldn’t ya know Chase had the balls to make a very overt pass at the first waitress he saw. Unbeknownst to us the waitress’  ‘US Marine fiancé on leave from Vietnam was at the other end of the bar and like a flaming rocket threw a flying fist at Chase’s face. Before one could yell “bar fight” Chase, Billy and me were assaulted by half dozen of locals as our philosopher fried Billy screamed

 

‘I’m a lover not a fighter’ “

 

Sundance smiled

 

“That’s my Billy!”

 

Jake not laughing

 

 “Well it wasn’t very funny or cool as it was about six guys who took me down and knocked me out cold .”

 

“It was probably just one or two,”

 

whispered Sundance.

 

“ I was beaten to a pulp and woke hours later in Chase’s car that had it’s headlights knocked out and windshield smashed. Chase drove and cried all the way home blubbering

 

‘How am I going to explain this to my wife?’ “

 

Sundance shook his head and couldn’t keep from laughing as he said,

 

“And that’s my Chase!”

 

“Well that’s when I decided I was going to be a conscientious objector and peace activist or something like that”

 

Jake suddenly shifted gears …and added

 

“As they say the show must go on. The next night after the fateful fight I had an important gig with my then band. “

 

Sundance thought

 

“When is he going to grow up? He’s always in some band or something.”

 

Ignoring Sundance’s physical turning away pretending to shuffle this or that on he desk, Jake continued.

 

“Well my new image of wearing sunglasses with a bandage on my chin all the time was born. The girls thought the new look made me cooler than cool. Though at first it was just an attempt to hide a big puffy black eye and a three-inch gash on the chin it became my look. Those scars never really healed completely. (I guess scars never do.) That night led to an unexpected bar fight and transformation of how I saw myself”

 

“So?”

 

“I’m done with bar fights and the idea of going into an unknown tavern in Connecticut is a little scary, ya know. ”

 

“But going to a bar, like the one where you were knocked out, is how you met Isabella!”

 

“Exactly! I can’t take anymore surprises or changes!”

 

Sundance tried to explain that no one partied in the town of Fairfield. It still maintained it’s puritanical roots. It was a lonely town for lonely people.

 

“They role up the sidewalks and fold up the trees at sunset in Fairfield. Besides who would want to stay here when you have Yale parties just a few minutes away and everyone across the country has heard about the infamous Yale parties! You don’t understand we need to go to get out of here.”

 

When Jake was going through his blue period after Mary Lou vanished Sundance sent Jake a post card of the Statue of Liberty with a brief message on the back

 

“When you need to be free – don’t forget to quench your thirst. When you need consolation– drink from the cup of life. It will help you realize that you can be free from the traps in this world that try to suck you into the belief that nothing will make you ever make you happy. Drink so that you feel only peace as you walk away from the wreckage. ”

 

Jake was convinced that Sundance was writing about beer.

They were off to New Haven.